Everyone who knew Rebecca knew that she was a nice person -- pleasant, mannered, and willing to give a hand to anyone who needed it. Earlier on this fated commute, she had stopped to pick up a stray cat running in the street near her daughter's school, despite the fact that Katia was shouting at her about being late for homeroom.

Although she felt she could have handled her daughter's temper tantrum a little better, she never would have guessed how much on edge she remained on the way home, when the guy in the black SUV tried to cut in front her from the left-hand merge lane. Like so many before him, he had sped by the line of cars inching forward in the heavy traffic - the same line in which Rebecca had plugged along patiently for 10 minutes after dropping Katia at school.

Every morning there's someone like him, she thought, some jerk who can't wait in line like everybody else. She always let them in, but this time, it was the look on his face, like who the hell does she think she is not to stop her stupid little car for him. She decided that she wasn't going to take it anymore. She hit the gas pedal just as he tried to cut in front of her. He jammed on his brakes and she swerved into the lane to her right to avoid him, forcing the driver in the van in that lane to jam on her brakes.

Mike, the man in the black SUV, was still seething about how "stupid" she was to have risked an accident over a silly thing like a merge into heavy traffic. Letting him in would have cost her all of one second lost time. He couldn't believe that he had to put up with such nonsense, on top of dealing all morning with his teenage son, who had broken curfew the night before. Not to mention the fact that he was anticipating a hassle with the new kid on his sales force. He wasn't going take any lip from this guy who had backed him into a corner by not turning in the paperwork for the few measly sales he made, after repeated warnings.

The young man Mike ended up firing that morning stopped in a bar on his way home. Mike had called security to have him escorted off the premises. That was so unnecessary, the young man thought over and over as he drank. He was only trying to stand up for himself and explain why he was late turning in the paperwork. The security guard was just Mike's way of making it more humiliating.

That night he grumbled about the humiliation, knowing full well that Mike was home laughing at him. Yet all his wife could do was nag him about getting another job right away and how she was afraid that they couldn't pay the bills. He slapped her as she persisted and, before the evening was over, brutally punched her in front of their young son.

This was a perfect storm of emotional pollution -- people primed by a series of small responses to emotional pollution that accumulate over time. Sooner or later they reach a point where they react badly and uncharacteristically. Rebecca was a client of mine who related her part of the story to me that very day. A week later, Mike became a client in part because he felt terrible having learned that the young man he fired beat up his wife that afternoon. As fate would have it, the young man showed up a couple months later in a court-ordered domestic violence group I lead in Maryland. None of them knew each other.

Although few of us are guilty of direct abuse of other people, and, for the most part, we try not to be rude to others, we all unwittingly contribute to rudeness and abuse by increasing the emotional pollution around us. We are responsible for rude and abusive behavior to the extent that we increase the likelihood of it occurring, even if only those who actually do the rude or abusive behavior are guilty of it.

In the extremely complex social structure of modern living, we cannot self-righteously condemn those who abuse without accepting responsibility for the fact that our own contributions to emotional pollution make it more likely that they will.

*Learn to understand how your actions can have large effects. Some think that one person's actions don't make much difference in the big picture, but consider the traffic situation in a major city at 5 PM. One person who decides to slam on his brakes in traffic can cause a major pile-up, injuring or killing other people. Be aware of the consequences of your actions and act accordingly.

*Don't let down your guard until you are completely out of a disaster situation. Many people may think that they are in the clear once a major goal has been met, but sometimes there are still tough times ahead. Be sure to keep your wits until the situation is completely over.

*Calculate the risk versus the reward in any given situation. Trying to make it home for dinner can become dangerous if you decide to speed and drive recklessly. Ask yourself: What is the reward I'm after? What am I willing to pay for that reward?

*Try new things! Believe it or not, getting out of your comfort zone to do new things in everyday life can help you in a disaster situation. Thinking outside the box can help you in a crisis, but you can't do that if you don't know how. So learn something hard. Or learn something you already know in a different way. Constantly using your mind and expanding your mental abilities will help you when disaster strikes.

After taking care of your immediate physical needs, make a plan for you and your family. Where will you sleep tonight? Do you have relatives or good friends that have not been affected by the disaster? Ask them for help. If you don't have anyone you can call to help you, locate the nearest emergency shelter. They can help. After making sure you have somewhere to stay for the next few days, take a deep breath. Realizing all that has happened after a disaster can be very overwhelming. You may want to talk with someone about your feelings and thoughts of the disaster.

In addition to trying to slow things down and take in all that has happened, there are a few things you can do to help cope with the disaster. Limit your exposure to the news media, such as TV and radio, since there will inevitably be extended coverage of the disaster. Try to rest and drink water to restore your health. Accept the help that others may offer you: you need it. Try spending as much time with your loved ones as possible and engaging in things that you all enjoy. Keep in touch with your friends and family in order to maintain your support systems. Last but not least, try to get into a routine for eating and sleeping: this will help give a sense of normalcy to a difficult situation.

One of the ways you may slip out of flow when you're creating something is if you don't feel that what you're producing?your internal feedback?matches what you had in mind originally, that is, your internal ideal. Of course, apprehension due to such non-matching is helpful when it warns you to go back and revise the substandard work. In fact, that's an essential part of the flow process. It's only dysfunctional when it makes you feel too bad to continue working, then or later. (Check out this amusing and very brief talk about entering flow using only plastic cups, tables, and some friends willing to join in.)

According to Anne Paris, a clinical psychologist and author of Standing at Water's Edge: Moving Past Fears, Blocks, and Pitfalls to Discover the Power of Creative Immersion, when the artist steps back from full immersion in the creative process, as she calls it, to a state of disengagement, it can be a time of reflection and consolidation. "But the artist can also feel insecure, vulnerable and full of self-doubt." She adds, "The artist's openness and exposure during immersion can leave him feeling naked and at risk of humiliation."

A writer once told me he tries to befriend his inner critic, that voice that keeps yelling at him, insisting he writes badly and is altogether worthless. But the war between your creative self and your judgmental self isn't always going to be resolved by friendly diplomacy. I recommend teaching your inner critic to mind its own business by using the following practical strategies.

INNER-CRITIC ANESTHETIZING TIPS

• Let it flow. Remind yourself regularly that, while you're immersed in the creative process, there's absolutely no sense in feeling embarrassed. Even if what comes out at first is crude, stiff, inappropriate, or simple-minded, tell your internal critic to take a hike, that he/she/it is simply getting in your way.

• Write without thinking. According to New Yorker-published poet Stephen Perry, "If you just put down words, whatever pops into your head, meandering here and there, free-associating, allowing whatever sputters out to sputter out, amazingly, after a short interval, something takes hold, some comet wraps its tail around you like a kinetic Cheshire Cat, and you're off." Don't worry about punctuation, spelling, point-of-view, character, plot, any of the technical aspects of your particular art or craft. They can always be cleaned up later.

• Write from your emotions. If you get emotionally involved enough with your subject, if you really feel it as you're writing or creating something about it, you'll forget to be self-conscious. If you're not in an emotional mood, try putting yourself into one. Many artists say they listen to a particular piece of music that's emotionally stirring as they begin creating. Experiment.

LET IT COOL

Once you're done creating for the moment, getting away from the emotion can be a challenge. The trick is to create from deep emotion but then to shut off the emotion in response to what you've done, what you see on the page, for example. Yes, react emotionally, from the true emotion that the piece evokes, but don't mix that up with judgment. It's the judging?and the particular negative emotion that follows?that gets us into trouble.

Psychologist Paris suggests that, if you do feel that negative judgment crowding in on you, it's a time to seek support from others. One way to do that, she writes, is through your connections with those whose responses energize you. Choose someone empathetic, not your inner critic made flesh (see my previous post on audience). It seems that Paris and I agree wholeheartedly that an artist is also wise to learn resilience and as much as possible about the process of immersion (i.e., creating in flow).

So let your work get cold?or at least cool?in order to better separate your self from it. "And, for some reason, the froth-mouthed monster, your internal critic, will not be as emphatic or robust," said Perry the poet (incidentally my spouse). "I'm not sure why the critic is more benign and sleepy and forgiving after a period of time passes, but that's been the case for me."

By the way, it's not good practice to revise when you're especially depressed or feeling irritable at others. Your negative emotions will get in the way. Oddly, writing while depressed, if you can manage it, may bring forth abundant spurts of worthwhile material.

Finally, keep in mind that showing your work to someone (even yourself at a later date) doesn't mean you're submitting it for publication or to strangers or the general public yet. Learn to separate spilling your guts from the imagined shame of exposure.

In terms of your health, happiness, and deepest values, one of the worst things that can happen is to live with a resentful, angry, or emotionally abusive partner. The worst thing you can develop, in terms of your health, happiness, and deepest values, is an identity as a victim.

Victim identity destroys personal power and undermines the sense of self. It makes you falsely identify with "damage" done to you or with bad things that have happened to you. The cry I hear over and over again from those who live with resentful, angry, or emotionally abusive partners is, "I don't like the person I've become."

Once emotional abuse occurs in a relationship, it becomes necessary not only to stop the abuse but to overcome victim identity through a strong identification with your inherent strengths, talents, skills, power, and appreciation of the self as a unique, ever-growing, competent, and compassionate person. This is accomplished through an emphasis on healing, growth, and empowerment, not by reviewing checklists of behaviors that qualify you as a victim or by reading lengthy descriptions of the resentful, angry, or abusive behavior and attitudes of your partner.

Detailed descriptions of your possible symptoms or of your partner's angry, abusive behavior are not only unnecessary for your recovery, they can cause harm by encouraging victim identity. If you live with an abusive person, you know better than any self-help author or advocate that your relationship has put thorns in your heart. You don't need a description of the thorns to know how much they hurt. You need to learn how to take them out and heal the wounds in ways that prevent scarring.

Perhaps the most insidious thorn in the heart that comes from living with a resentful, angry, or emotionally abusive partner is the feeling that you cannot be well until your partner changes. This understandable but tragic assumption is the first thorn you must remove from your heart. You deserve to heal and grow, whether or not your partner does.

Although a sense of fairness and justice tells you that your abusive partner ought to be the one to make changes, your pain tells you that you need to become the fully alive person you are meant to be. (Pain is not a punishment; it motivates behavior that heals, improves, and protects.) This means that you have to remove the focus from your partner and put it squarely on you. Renewed compassion for yourself will lead directly to a deeper compassion for your resentful, angry, or abusive partner. With that compassion you will demand meaningful, lasting change, for you will appreciate the enormous harm he does to himself when he hurts you. One of two things is likely to result from your reclamation of self and your compassionate demands on your abusive partner. You may be able to stop walking on eggshells and step into a deeper relationship with a more compassionate, loving partner. But if he chooses not to do the hard work of breaking abusive habits, for his sake, for the sake of your children, and for your own sake, you will no longer tolerate his resentful, angry, or abusive behavior. From your core value, you will stop walking on eggshells, one way or the other.

As you experience the enormous depth of your core value, the last thing you will want to do is identify with being a victim, or a survivor, for that matter. You want to outgrow walking on eggshells, not simply survive it, and you do that only by realizing your fullest value as a person.